Bridges are Burning, I'm Finally Learning

My relationship is falling apart.

Yes, thank you, all you nay-sayers about long-distance relationships, for being so damn insightful. 

I haven't talked to Peter on the phone since last Tuesday, when we listened to the inauguration together and he cried because he is just everything I'm not and I don't cry, ever, even when it'd be to my benefit. We haven't talked in general since Thursday. 

Lately when we do talk, I feel like there is nothing to say, or if I want to say something, I can't say it, because I'm afraid of what he'll think. I fail at being a Domme, I'm not supposed to give a shit about what he thinks. But I do. Because I love him. And that's the only thing I find myself capable of discussing with him. The fact that I love him.

And what the fuck are we going to do? 

While his visit last month was beautiful and wonderful and everything was just so happy and lalalalala etc, I feel like it only really showed us how hard this thing is going to be. The seven months he was gone were hard, of course. But this last month has been so much harder, just because I had him back for a few hours and then suddenly he was just ripped away from me AGAIN. For fuck's sake, I can't believe that my one chance at something good like this has to be fucked up so greatly.

I suppose it's my fault for telling him I wanted him to go. Not that I wanted him out, but I wanted him to do what he wanted to do, and he is just Greece on Legs. He needs to be there. It's where he belongs.

Where do I belong? Do I belong here? I'm so stubborn about staying here and people ask me if I'll ever go live with him. I've missed Greece - specifically Athens - with all my heart everyday since I came back from there in 2006, but what does that mean? And do I want him to come back here after the five years? And does HE want to come back? Do I want to wait til I'm done my Ph.D.? But where the fuck would I teach in Greece if I don't speak the language? 

Breaking up with him seems reasonable and simultaneously unreasonable. I have no real reason to, you see. A pre-emptive breakup seems juvenile and there really wouldn't be any closure. I'd just keep loving him and he just might hate me. Maybe that's why we're so quick to fight with each other. I have a feeling he's thinking the same things, and we just get into it over stupid little things because we need a reason to end this but we just can't bloody find one. The fights never last. We forgive each other too easily and then are drunk on renewed love for a week or two. He fucking cheated on me and all I could do was love him, not even get angry about it. 

Fuck life. When did I get so damn sentimental? I'm writing a whole blog post about how much I love my boyfriend. I'm almost catching Normal. It's disgusting. I wonder if OHIP covers the Normal shot. 

Anna suggested we just sort of let it go and agree that we'll be together again five years from now if it's in the cards. But thinking of that makes my heart just... writhe. I can't do that. I mean, Peter's a huge slut and snogs most things that walk unless they're animals or children. And you know what? I can totally handle that. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. But the fact is that I know he still loves me and that I am his "Official Girlfriend" (omgz) and it makes all the difference. 

We tried to make this an "open relationship" thing when he left but look how that turned out. He had this weird idea that I was out fucking a million guys, or at least wanted to. Obviously, I was not. I did that for HIM, so HE didn't feel trapped. If he could understand that then it might work. 

Or not. Because, really, what is the point of that? The problem isn't that we want to see other people. The problem is that we want to see each other and we just fucking can't. 

And maybe I want some aspects of the Normal Relationship. I want him to meet my family, and I want them to like him even though he's got eight piercings and a tattoo and fucked me while they were shopping and lets me do really painful things to him. I want to bring him to my cousin's birthday and watch him play games with Alessia and Isabella, the way Diana can watch Frankie or Josie can watch Anthony. Even though it's annoying, I want Uncle Gino to pester me about my boyfriend and tell him to bring him over for Easter. I want him to meet my godfather, and they can talk about the homeland they share, in Greek, and Uncle Chris will get all befuddled because Peter's Greek is better than his. 

And I want him to meet my friends. Like, my real friends. I want him to meet Anna. That's so important to me. She's talked to him online and they seem to get along, which is a good sign because neither of them put on a Web Mask. But I want them to meet and actually Talk because they are both really good at Talking. With a capital T. Like, REALLY Talking. Not just speaking. Talking. 

I guess we just can't get what we want. I don't know what to do about this. We've been talking about the "open" thing but I just feel he's going to misunderstand it again. I've just got this weird idea that it'd be such a waste to sit around here like Penelope waiting for her Odysseus only to have Odysseus not return home this time. But I am not Penelope, there ARE no suitors running around here. So am I really wasting my time?

But what if there are suitors who just aren't revealing themselves because they think I'm unavailable? Are we only capable of loving one person at once? I think I've always had polyamorous tendencies. 

Conclusion: Fuck my life.

Other things? Last Wednesday I went to the ROM with Sarah, Natalia, Viki, Mike, and a girl named Widad who is a friend of Natalia and Mike's. It was such a fucking great time, especially since Sarah had never been there. All of us but Widad were Classics/ History majors so we had a Classics nerd orgy on the third floor. This is different from a sex orgy. Classics nerd orgies are just all of us talking at once really fast and really loudly about different parts of the exhibit and just getting drunk off the beauty of the common interest. It was a good time. Mike is rather amazing too, he named all the types of dinosaurs just by looking at their fossils. Brilliant much? Be still my beating heart. 

I worked over the weekend. Most obviously, since I always do. Saturday was hell though. I worked a nine-hour shift (literal nine, felt more like Greek nine) because it was our Grand Opening sale (two months after we opened??) and we had a Buy One Get One Free thing. It took SIX employees to keep it going the eight hours. Apparently Ray LOST money. Well, good for him, he was giving me hell Saturday about things he NEVER trained me for. And also for things I didn't do. Things done FRIDAY NIGHT, yet I work Saturday and Sunday mornings. At least I made about seventy bucks. Sunday was SO quiet compared to Saturday, I'm telling you. Nine hours... longest shift I've ever worked, probably. I think at Taco Bell I worked eight and a half once, but it was a Sunday so it wasn't steady business like this time was. Everytime I looked up the line seemed LONGER. Utter fucking madness.

Want to hear some madly happy news? McGuinty is imposing Back to Work Legislation! Okay, okay, I know, it's not that happy. I voted NDP. I am firmly pro-union, anti-government, no pasaran, all that anarchist propaganda shit. HOWEVER. Like all humans, and don't anyone argue this with me, I am inherently self-concerned. I want to go back to school. I want to go back to class. So, yeah, it sucks that the government's involved and that even though CUPE has lowered their demands twice since the No vote came out Tuesday York won't negotiate. But sometimes these things happen. Sometimes the little guy doesn't win. 

The NDP is holding up the legislation for now, but we should be back by Friday or Monday or something. It will be good to be back, except that essay still hasn't been started XD I'm terrible. Maybe I'll work on it today after I read four boring-ass articles for history. 

Still, 3903 should take pride in the fact that they've inspired other divisions - 3902 (U of T), 3907 (OISE), and 4600 (CarletonU). 

I hope in a few years' time their plan to strike all at once happens. The chaos will be so beautiful. *shiver*